The last few nights, my husband and I had a fantastic time with a friend, her husband, and a few other friends of theirs. While chatting in the kitchen, I opened up to my friend about my recent struggles with controlling everything around me to feel at peace. She made me realize an interesting point – she questioned what kind of friend I would be if I were a controlling person.
It really got me thinking.
Almost all my life has been spent in a quest to gain control and security, to feel safe. I think we all try to do the same. Unfortunately, we never really achieve it, so we relentlessly keep trying.
I grew up focusing mainly on handling my things. I preferred to trust myself with them. Why did I feel that way?
Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I had to create my own world to feel safe and in control of my life. Fortunately, my father recognized my mother’s behavior and did his best to protect me. However, her hurtful words and constant blaming still deeply affect me.
She made it clear that I was a disappointment, causing me to feel shame and humiliation throughout my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood. Her lack of empathy and hypersensitivity to criticism was infuriating, and she was skilled in gaslighting and manipulation. It was a challenging environment with no boundaries.
Being raised by her made me anxious; it would destabilize and confuse me. I became a loner, not trusting my own feelings, crippling me with self-doubt.
My mom couldn’t take care of me when I was born, so I went to live with nannies. I remember a few of them. One of them lived on a farm with her three other kids. I recall playing with her older son, who was my age. The farm had a lot of cows, and that’s probably why I love cows!
The other family was Jewish. They had a Mezuzah on the door, and during Passover, they brought a sheep and slaughtered it in the kitchen. I remember it vividly as if it had happened yesterday.
I never had a close bond with my mother while growing up. When I was around 3 years old and living with my parents, my sisters took care of me as my mom made them babysit and do household chores without any reward.
I believe my sisters and I all had similar experiences with our mom, although other family members raised them and have their own unique stories.
I could talk about my mom for days, but the post is not about her.
My relationship with my mom has always been very tumultuous, aggravated, and complex.
I grew up feeling confused, invalidated, and unloved.
So, for me, controlling my world was the only thing I had since my mom was so intrusive in my business.
I grew up relying on myself. I worked to pay my bills and buy an apartment and car. It was all me. Then, when I had my son, he became my priority, and I had to work even harder for him. I tried to control my life and work as much as possible, but I never tried to control my friends’ or family’s lives, especially not my son’s life.
I am surprised by how much we strive for control. I push myself to do things and try new activities because I am capable.
“So, how does it work when you are married?” Good question. In the beginning, I was reluctant to let him come into my world and change it. I made sure he would understand that I was in control of my life and that no one had the right to change it. The funny part is that he just went with the flow and intelligently integrated himself into my life.
Now, I don’t feel the need to be in control as much. I no longer have to protect myself from the “bogeyman” because I know my worth, what I want, and what I need to do to achieve my desires. I enjoy sharing my emotional stability and trust with my husband; I believe we have found our own heaven together, complementing each other.
Marriage is that relation between two people in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal.
I think it’s important to recognize the need for control, and being aware of this need can actually help us become more free. We could be less restricted by fear, less anxious, less driven by the need for comfort, and more in love with life just as it is.
Life may seem stable at times, but unexpected events can occur, such as losing a loved one, personal injury or illness, a family emergency, job loss, or a national crisis. These events can shatter the feeling of stability, causing distress when you think everything is under control.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. It’s a constant battle.
If life feels uncontrollable, we often try to seek control, but it doesn’t work. What alternative is there?
After gaining years of experience, I believe we can practice mindfulness and learn to accept the uncontrollable nature of each moment. This provides the answer.
You will learn to be at peace with this feeling of being out of control. You’ll learn to trust the present moment without trying to control the outcome, knowing that everything will work out.
It takes time to get here, but it’s totally worth it.
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary eno
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead