Dealing with toxic people

I recently had a conversation with my daughter Max. Technically, she is my daughter-in-law, but she became my daughter as soon as I knew how important she was to my son.

Our conversation was about her medical discharge from the army. The process is delayed due to the incompetence of her team leaders and, consequently, the squad leader. She was telling me, too, how her sergeant was treating her, the lack of respect and the mockery. Totally bullying. But incompetence is not the only problem.

The toxicity of the leadership is the worst. When I was in the army, I suffered the most outrageous moments that left huge scars that I still deal with, and unfortunately, like many other soldiers.

I do not want to go too deep into it— this is not what I want to write about, but why do we have so much toxic leadership in the service?

“Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.” – Denisse Lisseth

Many people have a thirst for power. Then they enlist and go up in the ranks, and suddenly, they are in charge of other soldiers. I have to say that many of these promotions happened without preparation; It doesn’t even require education or training for it.

You get your promotion, and that’s when everything breaks loose. It’s a conquest of who can be meaner and more abusive. So they love to make the soldier’s life difficult because they don’t like these soldiers under them, or, just because they can, just for fun.

Of course, not all are unprofessional and weak emotionally, but a significant majority are inadequate for the position.

I had outstanding leadership, and I had the worst, too. I think it’s a question of how lucky you are to fall into a great unit or not.

Unfortunately, toxic people do not exist only in the US Army or at work; they also exist in our families and even among our friends. You know it, right?

Don’t you have people who constantly criticize you, tell you that you can’t do things, make you feel bad about yourself, insult you, say that you are stupid, or even yell at you? Well, these are toxic people. Toxic husbands or wives, toxic friends, toxic sergeants, and even toxic mothers or fathers.

“The less you respond to negative people, the more powerful your life will become.” 
– Robert E. Baine, Jr.

Dealing with them is never easy, but it’s such an intricate problem that it’s worth looking at some strategies. However, I have to admit there aren’t any easy answers.

After leaving the service, I went on a roller coaster of emotions and dived into a deep depression, anger, anxiety, and panic attacks. It was a tough time for me. I was a grown woman, but she was only 19 years old, just starting life, and I saw her trying to keep her head above water. It breaks my heart.

Today, I can give some strategies that I used, and I want to share them with you because we all go through situations similar to those in our lives.

I noticed that when someone makes you feel bad about yourself, you might show anger or irritation in your actions and words, making that person more likely to be toxic. If you really think about it, it is a normal reaction, but it’s like fuel to them. The more you respond, the more they will attack you.

The way to react positively would be to stop responding, turn inward, and notice your feelings. Do not avoid your feelings. They are going nowhere. Recognize the bad feeling, whether it is frustration, anger, sadness, or disappointment, and feel it in your body.

Then, when you recognize the presence of these feelings and emotions, wish yourself positive feelings and happiness and an end to your suffering. Wish yourself a life of joy and peacefulness. This won’t magically cure the pain, but it’s an excellent place to start. You deserve the peace of mind.

Talk to your close friend or the person you trust who understands you. Not someone who puts more wood in the fire… Do you know what I am saying?

Share your feelings, ask them to listen, and maybe even give advice. The advice doesn’t matter so much as the connection and listening.

Sometimes, the toxic person might go through some difficulties like you are, and that’s their way of channeling their feelings. So, wish them a life of peace and ease. Then, you might want to talk to them.

Yes, they might not act compassionately and peacefully towards you, but you can be better. Maybe not in the case of your army leadership; talking is probably not a good solution because they are motivated to hurt you no matter what.

The bottom line is that if you have someone close who is toxic to you, cut them off…I know it might be tricky, but when family members aren’t supportive of me, if they’re constantly critical and angry … and none of the above works … I will just stop seeing them as much. I’ll do my own thing. See other positive friends. That’s harder to do when they live with you, but even then, you can go out for a run, take a hike, see nature, meditate, and create.

Don’t let the thinking about toxic people be what you focus on all day — put your mind in more peaceful, creative, positive places.

“It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” 
– Daniell Koepke